End of quarter has arrived.. again!!!

Ah, the end of the quarter!  That magical moment where sales representative, CFO's and Sales Directors realize that they should have been working their ass off to meet the target 3 months ago, not just the last 3 weeks of the quarter.  It amazes me how in every place I have worked this patter repeats itself everywhere.  It is like a self-fulfilling prophecy that repeats itself, timely in the happening like Xmas or New Year, except that instead of frantically running around to get gifts or the last ingredients for the meal, here you are after sales orders from customers.

In the previous company I worked for, a so-called leader in the barrier protection technology, this happened at the end of every month.  Which made it a recurrent nightmare for customer service, warehouse staff and sales people.  But the best time was end of fiscal year (June in that nuthouse) where you would see promotions that put after XMAS sales to shame.  The pattern was so well respected by the company that customer were holding from purchasing in that particular quarter as they would get a SWEET deal.  It is a miracle sales were not offering the asses for grabs or giving out blowjobs while they were at it.  This was also encouraged by the fact that results were measured in brute sales figures and not profitability.  What it means for yours truly?  Ball busting sales calling all the time to see if we have the order, to see if we have shipped the order, have we invoiced the order?  Still remember the face of the marketing lady saying sales were low for my region when I told her this did not prevent me from sleeping at night since my salary was not linked to sales results.  Did not help my career (as if) but sure resulted in her not coming around with useless information anymore.

The best bit was delaying issuing credit notes to help the results and when the anticipated shipment day for programmed orders on purposes only to credit then and invoice them again the following month (they claim they never did that, yeah, right..).

Anyway, new company, new circus, same madness in that period.  The beauty resides in the fact that this is deemed unprofessional by sales director, because we invoice 60% of our turnover in the last 3 weeks of the quarter.  We already gave all our feedback on that and nothing was done with it, so bottom line we do what we have to do since, again, we do not get commissions (but they don't seem to be getting this).  Lovely episode where distribution manager came with 2 weeks to go and asked if we could ship out so many systems.  Her jaw dropped when she was told her no can do as it took almost the same time to get them from the mothership in the U.S.A.  Just like most management, fucking clueless when it comes to the practical side of things and timing.  Yeah, we just sit 15 metres away from her office but we may as well be on the International Space Station.  The only problem is that these people are mission control and we will eventually fail to launch correctly because of the bad decision making.

Anyway, madness at end of quarter displays the following symptoms in this company:

1)Approved is the most used word: any kind of deal that will bring in a purchase order, even if it is from one of Ghedafi's sons on the run, will be accepted and must be shipped ASAP.  Whether we shall be paid for it eventually is an issue for Credit and Collection to sort when invoice is due.

2) Are we invoicing?  Seriously, we get this question on a daily basis.  I once said no because we were too busy figuring out the Rubik's cube someone had brought in.  Got a look of disbelief as that was something we would do.  So much for the vote of confidence.

3) Customer Service is the place to be: the number of visitors in our offices in the last 2 weeks increases tenfold so we are considering charging people for access.  Now that they also put an electronic lock on the door of our office we might actually do that (the beauty of the lock is that early comers keep the door closed and actually get work done since most people do not have access rights). 

4) EXPRESS!!!: in the last week all orders arrive next day as all goes with UPS Express service instead of standard (costs about 3 to 4 times more) since sale is recognized only if delivered.  The UPS guys or any carrier for that matter love that part of the quarter as much as we hate it.

Bottom line end of quarter is a state of insanity with periodical recurrence during which nothing is learned from past experiences.  Once it's over if you did a good job you nailed the budget before end of quarter.  Here most of the time the company is chasing until the very last day to make it happen.  This time we probably pushed ahead many sales for Q4 into Q3, basically postponing the inevitable.

Bottom line: I don't care as the magical moment will be lost on me as I will be home gift wrapping XMAS gifts and and indulging into a normal activity rather than this pointless frenzy.  Hope you'll be doing the same!

Down with the corporate tyrant! 

Welcome to the Corporate Family!

"Please welcome me in congratulating XYZ to join the V...... family."  Always wondered why does a corporation refers to itself as a family?  There are good things in a family: love, kin, kindness, understanding, support, trust (I could go on).  However, it seems to me that 21st century corporation is characterized by individualism, backstabbing, crush those who stand in your way, "when I want your opinion I'll give it to you", "sorry but times are hard, we need to save money to make money so we have to let you go".. (I could go on but that would be depressing).  So you get that corporation is more like a DYSFUNCTIONAL family.  Most families are when put under a microscope, so why would you want to compare yourself to one?

Because it is a stereotype that sells well and that makes you do things that you would only do in your family like:
* putting up with shit from a family member and keeping cool instead of telling him/her to fuck off
* accepting that there is a favourite one even if he is not the best performer
* you participate to dinners that you definitively DON'T want to attend
* activities that build character: aka Team building (which, believe me, if competitive in the way they are organized, will bring out the true and absolute worst in some people).

But worst; in your family you can choose not to speak to your parents.  Here the authority/role model can be crap but you still you need to listen to what they say and behave accordingly or you'll be cast out (like families, companies are not a democracy).  Some families do not accept when members do not behave according to expectations and corporations are even stricter in casting them out when they are disappointed in you.

Your only options are either behave according to what is expected from you, be cast out or marry out and higher.  But don't be fooled, most families behave in the same way.
A safe option is to keep a low profile while finding in your free time another "family" ready to adopt you, maybe even with a higher monthly allowance.

There is light at the end of the tunnel.  In the meanwhile put up with shit and look for change or wait until one of the pain in the ass patriarchs dies (the guy who fired me from my last job died a few weeks ago.. Karma sure does go a long way!!).

PEOPLE HAVE THE POWER!!

We value employees feedback

"Please gives us your feedback, it is important to us to help us make better decisions and improve the corporation".

It would be great if this would be true, but it ain't.  Never has been in any of the corporations I worked for.  And I even hoped to be believe it would be in this one.  Even filled in the Employee Survey with "valuable"feedback.  Result has been that a year and a half since the survey nothing has changed or at least that can be measured.  Best bit was when end of June 2010 we invoiced 60% of the quarter turnover in the last 3 days.  Given that I work at the department that solves issues and makes miracles on a daily basis,we should consider it a success that no one attempted to choke our colleagues in our team nor decide to improve his gunshot handling using managers as targets.  "Unprofessional", "stressful", "we should not work like that".  This is Sales Manager for Europe quoted.  "Give us your feedback and we'll brainstorm and provide solutions to prevent this from happening again".
And you know what?  We believed it!!  We did provide well constructed feedback using first hand experience.
The Result: 3 weeks after providing feedback asked Manager of my department what was the outcome of the brainstorming.  His face said it all.  Brainstorming lasted 5 minutes with the CFO and 1 minute between two phone call with the Sales Manager.  Might as well used the paper o make Origami, better purpose.
The rule of thumb with management is as follows "When I want your opinion I'll give it to you".
Was further comforted into this by recent events.  My manager used to be consultant for the company, became manager, after 1 year quit as was dealing with too much Bullshit.  My colleague who was team leader upon the departure was promoted as manager when he quit.  Nice deal for them: they get competent person to do massive job at rock bottom price.  Bad deal for us: understaffed team became even more understaffed.  The more work you have, the less staff you have to handle it.. bizarre inverse relationship.

Anyway, coming back to main topic: dictatorial CFO asked ex-teammate now manager for points and ideas for Sales Meetings presentation on Monday on previous Friday evening.  Ex-team mate now manager worked on it this week-end.  Presentation was done by CFO and.. rolling of drums..."A new procedure has been devised for (useless purpose) and P. will contact you individually to explain it";
ISSUE: P. never wrote anything on a new procedure.  I suggested he should publish a correction and send an e-mail indicating the difference between what he proposed and what was presented.
Something was definitively lost in translation: feedback and any belief in higher management.

HASTA LA VICTORIA SIEMPRE!!

First attempt at blogging from an Orifice..

So here it starts.  Wanted to do this since ages but never got around it.  The push came today from finding out that the great decision makers in the corporation were having a power battle over a critical decision, which would impact the well being of employees, shareholders and customers worldwide:

WHERE ARE WE GOING TO PUT THE NEW VENDING MACHINE WE BOUGHT?

Forget recession, fierce competition and understaffed employee basis.. this is the hot topic.  I guess insanity has reached a whole new level.
Location had already been found before the purchase: end of a corridor.  Issue: location is in front of Sales Manager for corporation.  He thinks things will turn out as follows:

1)  employees will go every five minutes to the vending machine
yeah, it seems to be the only source for fluids, if we eliminate the 4 water coolers, the kitchen sink, the bathroom sinks and, as last resort, the toilet bowls; coupled to the fact that we operate in office premises and not on the equator in the Sahara desert.  He must think the Cola wars have converted us for good to believe cans are better than the rest.

2)  cans will fall and make noise that will disturb me
Consider that this person has basically his mobile phone transplanted in his ear, that desk is about 4 meters away from door and, last time I checked, cans still were 33 cl in size, not buckets where you make donkeys drink (given the workload that would not be inappropriate).  He must confuse them with the barrels of toxic waste dumped at sea from the region he is from in the boot.  One last details: he is more on the run for his job than terrorist Carlos or Ghedafi, so once again much ado about nothing.

Now him and finance director are having this battle with the receptionist in the middle getting contradicting orders (being servant of two masters is a ROUGH job).

Result: Vending machine is in corridor outside office premises, UNPLUGGED (there are no plugs in the wall) and we keep on drinking from the water coolers.

We shall see who wins... I guess this is part of a greater strategy for the company that I cannot grasp.. silly little employee that I am.

NOTRE PEUPLE VAINCRA!!